Originally posted November 10, 2018
For the longest time, I’ve been just straight grinding. Trying to get to the next thing, the next place. Almost there, if you get through this one more thing. If you check that last thing off your list. The only problem is, it never ends. There is always another page, with a lot more boxes that need checking. I look around and I realize I am at one of those checkboxes now, college. I dreamed so long of making it here. That’s why I studied a little harder on that test, aced that project, that’s why I was so so hard on myself. To make it. So I could succeed. I cried myself to sleep every night of sophomore year of high school, but I had to remind myself I was almost there. It was okay that I miserable now. It would be worth it. But now that I’m here, I find myself hustling to meet the next landmark, graduation, a job, a career. So, at what point am I supposed to slow down and breathe? At what point am I finally going to feel like I’m not drowning again. Do I even like college? And even more important what is the purpose of all of this, me standing on this revolving piece of mass?
I’ve realized I’ve been grinding for all the wrong reasons. I can’t keep grinding for these society laid out landmarks, because they don’t give me joy. But you know what does? Me. I realized if I’m going to make it anywhere in this world and be happy in it , I have to start doing things for me and not others. I love reading and learning and artistic expression. I love people- laughing, smiles, good company, and especially helping others. I love me- I love taking care of my body whether that’s face masks and mani-pedis or eating broccoli and a quick yoga flow. I love nature- I love getting lost in time outdoors, breathing in fresh air, fall is my favorite season. Traveling, impromptu trips and car rides, snuggles, TEA, and my list could go on and on.
But for some reason I spend my nights at 2 AM, scrambling because I don’t think I’ll get into graduate school with the classes I took, that I’ll never have my dream job, or four kids and perfect house. I laugh now realizing how ridiculous I sound. Why? Why do we do it to ourselves? All this unnecessary pressure? And it does work out in the end! Hardly ever how we planned, but usually so much better!
I don’t know. I’m not concerned with the end, there’s too much in- between that I need to enjoy.
It’s about time I start prioritizing me- physical AND mental wellbeing.